My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
