Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
