okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
