don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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