a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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