my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
