Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
