We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
