Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
