Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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