I feel like abortions should bother me more
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
