My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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