weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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