from now on my penis is your penis
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
