looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Randomize
