How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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