Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize