What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
