Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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