I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
This baby is an asshole
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
