i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
