so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
