His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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