I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
