That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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