I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Enjoy the penises
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
