Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
