you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
