a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
