i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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