I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
