worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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