So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
