I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
sarcasm needs its own font
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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