I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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