Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
