This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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