when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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