She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I am midnight drunk by noon
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Randomize
