i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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