Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
