Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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