I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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