I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you win again, gameday.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
