last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
