OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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