Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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