i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
