I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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