I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Randomize
