hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
