i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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