if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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