the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
