I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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