I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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