I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
