Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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