Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
