i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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