I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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