I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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