I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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