my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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